


Weightless (re-write)

by thebadwolf



Category: TMNT (2007)
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-13 16:55:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 18,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10517940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebadwolf/pseuds/thebadwolf
Summary: Raphael falls into a bad depression and develops an eating disorder.  He feels lost and alone. Is there any hope for him? Re-write of an older story.





	1. Chapter 1

I've been trying to work on my story "weightless" for ages. I decided I don't like how it was done.

I feel that I tried to write too much into one story. These should have been two different stories.

I decided to write another version of "Weightless" that focuses on Raphael's eating disorder and another story "No rest for the wicked" which focuses on Don's self harm.

The original story will always be there but I think spitting it up and re-writing it would be for the best.

Sorry if this upsets anyone but I just have to do what i feel is right.

\--

 

This story is in no way connected to my other ninja turtles stories. This is a stand alone. It is set after the cgi TMNT movie. Be warned this will discuss eating disorders and depression.

\---

After the incident with Winters the turtles lives went back to normal. Well, as normal as they be. It was nice having Leo back. Without him their family had seemed so incomplete.

Mikey spent lots of extra time with his oldest brother. The two of them had so much to catch up on. Don busied him with a secret project. He wouldn't tell anyone what it was about. Whenever he wasn't working on it he was with Leo.

Raph found himself alone.

Being alone wasn't usual for the red clad turtle. He had been a loner most of his life. Yet, for the first time in his life it felt wrong. He wanted to sit with Mikey and Leo.

He wanted to play video games, watch tv, and discuss the current sports teams.

He wanted to barge in on Don and ask him what he was up to.

For some reason the turtle found himself unable to do so. Had his need to isolate always been this bad? He often found himself getting lost in his thoughts.

He was currently sparing with his youngest brother and found himself unable to pay attention. The orange clad turtle was running circles around him. Raph was completely unable to keep up.

One might expect Mikey to be slow. After all he spent most of him time playing video games. Despite that fact he was the lightest of all his brothers and the fastest. Years of video games had given him quick reflexes. Mikey was never one to sit still. Even while he played games he would bounce up and down on the couch. The turtle was always moving.

Wham!

In one move Raph was brought down onto his shell. The red clad growled as he struggled to his feet.

"Wow!" Mikey said holding out a hand to his brother. "Are you alright? I almost never do that man."

"I'm fine!" Raph shouted waving his hand away. "Don't rub it in."

"I wasn't..." Mikey said in a soft voice.

His brother didn't give him a chance to finish his sentence. He stormed out of the Dojo and towards his room. Leo and Don were in the kitchen cooking dinner. The two of them stopped and stared at their brother in silence as he passed by.

"Raph do you want dinner?" Leo called.

"I'm not hungry," Raph snarled before darting into his room.

He slammed the door behind and left his brothers standing in silence. Mikey stood outside the Dojo with a surprised look on his face.

"What the heck got into him?" Don asked looking at Mikey.

"I don't know," Mikey said. "I beat him but he never gets upset like that. He normally just challenges me to another go."

"He's been out of it for weeks," Leo explained. "What do you think is up?"

"He's Raph," Don said. "He's always like that."

Mikey and Leo frowned looking towards Raph's door. Yes, the turtle was usually a loner and in a bad mood but never that bad.

\--

 

Raph fell onto the bed with a thud. He hated the fact he was the slowest of all his brothers. He hated he was the dumbest. He hated he was the most boring. He sat up and looked at himself in the mirror.

Why did he have to be him? Why couldn't he just change? Why couldn't he just like himself?

"Raph!" Came Don's voice and then a banging on his door.

"What?" Raph snapped.

"Do you want dinner?" his brother asked.

"Piss off!" the red turtle shouted.

He reached down onto the floor and picked up the first thing his fingers touched. It turned out to be a basketball. He threw into the door. It made a loud thudding noise and rolled away.

"Fine," Don said. "Starve and see if I care."

Raph frowned at the sound of his brother walking away. He looked back to his reflection. He could tell he had put on weight during the time Leo was away. He did fight as the nightwatcher but not that much. His role as the nightwatcher had caused him to sleep during the day. Therefore he didn't train that much with his brothers.

Was that why he was so slow? Would he feel better if he lost some weight? He knew being over weight could cause depression, mental health issues, and mobility issues. Was the extra weight the problem? If he lost weight would he be happy?

Of course he didn't know if he was really over weight. There wasn't a scale in the house. Plus he had no idea what his brothers weighed so he had no way to compare.

Well, he would try it. He would lose a few pounds and see how it felt. Of course he wouldn't tell his brothers or father. He wouldn't want them thinking he was worried about something so superficial as his weight. He knew they would tease him for it.

Yes that sounded like a good idea. Just a few pounds and then he would stop.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning Raph formed his plan. Every time he sat down at the table he would leave when he was still hungry. Just a little hungry. If he was always a little hungry he would lose weight. 

He also decided to try and be a little nicer to his family. Maybe they would like him more if he was nicer. He hoped he would get in a better mood as he lost weight.

That morning he walked out into the kitchen and sat down with a bowl of cereal. Only Leo and Splinter were already at the table. They both looked at him as he sat down. He tried not to meet their eyes as he took a few bites of cereal.

“Good morning,” he said as he ate.

"Glad to see you are doing better this morning," Splinter said.

"Yes," Raph said. "I wasn't feeling well yesterday."

"Oh," Leo said. "You alright today?"

"Yea," was a Raph said before staring at his bowl.

He had only had a few bites and it already seemed like so much. He stared at the small circle shaped pieces of food. He was still hungry. He decided he had eaten enough.

"Raphael," Splinter said. "Are you sure? You seem distant."

"I'm fine," Raphael said pushing the bowl away. "I'll be in the dojo. I take it Mikey is in there."

"Yes," Splinter said with a nod. "I believe he was hoping for a re-match with you. He believed you were off your...game...yesterday."

"Sounds great," Raph said before heading to the dojo.

Splinter frowned as he picked up Raph's barely touched breakfast. He was going to have to keep an eye on his son.

 

-

After an hour in the Dojo with Mikey Raph was starving. He had managed to pin Mikey a couple of times. He was sure the light breakfast was to thanks for it.

He walked into the kitchen and grabbed an apple. Mikey was digging out some left over pizza from the refrigerator.

“Pizza?” Mikey asked offering his brother a slice.

“No thanks,” Raph said nodding to his apple. “I'm all set.”

“Whatever,” Mikey said. “More for me.”

Mikey walked off stuffing pizza into his mouth. Raph devoured the apple quickly. When he was finished he was still starving.

Oh well, he thought. He wouldn't lose any weight if he ate until he was full.

Raph looked into the living and saw Mikey and Leo sitting down to play a video game. Raph thought about going to join them but he found himself unable to. They looked so happy together. They were laughing and fighting over a piece of pizza.

No. He didn't belong there. He would just mess it up somehow. He sighed before heading towards his room. He had comic books that he needed to read.

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

The next few days were a real test for Raph. He trained as much as he could and ate as little as he could. It was so hard to be on a diet when his brothers ate pizza like it was going out of style. He limited himself to one slice per day.

So far it didn't seem anyone had noticed. Everyone was too busy with their own lives to notice what dumb old Raph was eating.

Little did he know Leo and Splinter were noticing. The oldest turtle always kept an eye out for all his younger siblings. He quickly noticed Raph was eating less. He might not have noticed if the change was small but it was a big change.

It bothered Splinter as well. Even though Splinter and Leo hadn't discussed it they both came to the same conclusion. Perhaps he was sick or having stomach troubles. Leo tried to push his worries to the back of his mind but he couldn't help. Something was clearly wrong with him but he couldn't tell what.

He decided to give it a little time and see what happened.

 

\--

 

After a month of strict dieting Raph could see he had lost weight. He had lost at least ten pounds. Raph knew he had promised himself he would stop dieting after he lost a few pounds but the promise seemed so far away. He needed to keep losing weight. If he did his fighting would get better. It had to get better!

 He had lost a few pounds but he didn't feel any better. He felt tired all the time and was struggling to keep up with training. He knew it was because he wasn't eating enough. He didn't have enough fuel to get through the day.

 He frowned at the thought. He didn't want to eat more. If he ate more he would gain back the weight. He needed to eat less but make better choices about what to eat. Pizza wasn't a food he needed. Apples with peanut would be a better choice. Wouldn't it?

Ralph knew he needed to do some research. He needed access to the computer but that meant getting past Don. He would need a good story to explain why he wanted to use the computer. He wasn't in the habit of using it.

 After a few minutes of thinking he walked to Don's room and knocked on the door.

 "Come in!" Don shouted.

 Raph opened the door and stepped inside. Don was sitting at his computer. He looked up when Raph entered the room.

 "What can I help you with?" Don asked pushing a few buttons on his keyboard.

 "I need the computer," Raph asked. "Can I use it?"

 "What for?" Don asked in a curious voice.

 "Well," Raph said looking away. "Come on...we are boys...we do need a little private time."

 "Oh," Don said nodding.

 It wasn't unusual for the turtles to use Don's computer to view porn from time to time.

 "Sure thing," Don said standing up. "Take your time. Just leave when you're done. Remember to delete your history. I don't want Splinter seeing it again."

No. They didn't want that.

 "Thanks," Raph said.

 Don walked out of the bedroom and closed the door behind him. Raph sat down at the computer and started researching food.

 After a while of doing some heavy reading Raph was shocked. The calories in food was shocking. He wasn't surprised he was over weight eating the way he did. He had new ground rules. No pizza at all, only fat free milk, no meat. The new restrictions were going to make it harder to hide.

He decided to see if he could find any tips on hiding his diet from his family. He was shocked to see there were lots of sites with tips. Most of them called themselves 'pro-anorexia' sites. Raph wasn't very familiar with that term. Hiding food and throwing it away later was the top tip. He wasn't sure if he could get away with it but it was worth a shot.

 If his family found out they would think he was being stupid. They would call him dramatic and vein. No. There was no way they could find out how fat he gotten. There was no way they could find out he was so worried about how he looked.

 After about half an hour he deleted the history and left the computer.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Splinter couldn't help but worry for his son. Raph seemed to be suffering from some unknown illness. He almost never ate anything. The rat could see the teenager was quickly losing weight.

His fighting ability was suffering as well. He seemed to be training more but not learning as much as he could.

He walked in on the them eating dinner and stood to watch. Leo and Mikey were sharing a pizza. Don had some baked fish with potatoes. Raph had a small bowl of chicken soup. He only ate a few mouthfuls before placing his left overs in the refrigerator. Splinter let out a light sigh.

“Raphael,” Splinter said gently. “May I speak with you?”

“Oh,” Raphael said trying to avoid his glance. “Of course Sensei.”

Raphael stood and followed his father into his mediation room. The two of the sat down in silence. Splinter poured himself a cup of tea.

“Care for a cup?” Splinter asked.

“No thank you,” Raphael said looking at the cup with a nervous look.

There was no way he could drink it. He had no idea how many calories were in it but he knew it would be too much.

“Are you feeling alright?” Sensei asked.

“What do you mean?” Raphael asked even though he knew what his father was talking about.

“Raphael,” he said in a stern voice. “You know what I am talking about. You aren't eating.”

“I guess I have cut back some,” the red clad turtle admitted.

“Is there a reason you are doing this?” Sensei questioned in a softer tone. “You have lost a lot of weight. You are starting to look very thin.”

“I didn't realize,” Raphael lied.

Splinter frowned and studied him for a minute. He knew Raphael was lying. He was avoiding his eyes and speaking softly.

“Raphael,” he finally said. “There is nothing you could tell me that would cause me to judge you. I feel you are holding something back. I want you to know you can tell me anything.”

Raphael sighed. He wanted to tell Splinter about this troubles. Yet, he felt it wouldn't be a good idea. He knew Splinter wouldn't judge him but he might make him eat more. He dreaded the idea of gaining weight.

“There is something,” Splinter said. “Would you rather speak to someone else about this?”

“There isn't anything,” Raphael said shaking his head. “Can I please leave now?”

Splinter decided not to push his son anymore. He nodded.

“Alright,” he said. “You may go. Please remember you can always go to me or any of your brothers if you wish to talk.”

“Of course Sensei,” Raph said forcing a smile.

Splinter gave him a little smile as he headed out of the meditation room. Worry griped his heart. There was something very wrong with his son and he needed to get to the bottom of it.

 

–

Raphael needed to do something. He couldn't starve himself anymore. Splinter was already on to him. He needed a better way to to lose weight out anyone finding out.

He went to Don's room. He needed the computer. The turtle had returned to his room and he would be on the computer. Raph knocked on the door without bothering to come up with an excuse.

“Come on in,” Don said.

Raph opened the door and wasn't surprised to find Don on the computer. He never seemed to leave it.

“I need the computer,” Raph explained.

“Sure,” Don said pressing a few keys. “What you need it for?”

“Just want to do some surfing,” Raph explained.

Don looked at him with a curious face. He could tell he was up to something. He stood up anyway and headed towards the door.

“Thanks Don,” Raph said before sitting down in front of the glowing screen.

Don reached the door before he stopped. He turned and looked at his brother. He wanted to say something to him but he was unable to find the words. He could tell something was going on with him. He shook his head silently before walking out the room. He knew better than to try and talk to Raph.

-

It took a while to find what he wanted but in the end he did. He found a forum full of people who were in the same situation as him. He didn't make an account or post anything but he did read. People who were in his situation were called anorexic. There were lots of girls on the forum but there were guys as well.

Raph didn't feel nearly as alone when he saw the thousands of post. There were lots of people out there suffering just like him.

He clicked on one of the forum called 'Bulimia'. After reading through a few post he decided they had the right idea. If he ate and then vomited his problems would be solved. His family wouldn't blame him for losing weight. If they saw him eat they wouldn't worry much. Of course he would still lose weight but he could deal with that when the time came.

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

At dinner everyone was shocked to see Raph eating pizza like there was no tomorrow. He had a slice of pizza in one hand a can of Dr. Pepper in the other when Splinter joined them. He watched his son with a curious look.

“I see you're feeling better,” Splinter said smiling a bit.

“Yea,” Raph said slamming the slice of pizza down.

That made Splinter feel slightly better. Perhaps their talk had down some good after all. It didn't seem the turtle could get enough to eat.

“I call the shower,” the red clad turtle yelled jumping up from the table.

“No problem,” Mikey said smiling. “You smell like dead fish.”

“That would be you,” Raph said sticking out his tongue at his brother.

“Maybe it is,” the orange clad turtle said as he began to sniff himself. “Hum...I think it is.”

The table erupted in a fit of laughter as Raph headed off the bathroom. Splinter turned his attention to pizza left. It seemed his family was finally back to normal.

–

Raph walked into the bathroom and locked the bathroom behind him. He turned on the shower and knelt down in front of the toilet. He lifted the lid and slid a finger into his mouth. His pressed his fingers towards the back.

He found the little flap at the back and began to rub it. His eyes began to water quickly and then his stomach lurched. Next thing he knew he was emptying his stomach into the toilet. It hurt so bad but it was worth it. His eyes and throat burned like they were on fire. He ate in front of his family and he wouldn't gain weight from it. He wondered if it would get any easier.

He flushed the toilet and climbed into the shower. He needed to get the smell of vomit off him. The red clad turtle hated what he had done. He hated the fact he had sunken so low. Yet, he knew he didn't have a choice. There was no way he was going to get fat again.

\--

  
  


 

 


	6. Chapter 6

The next month was a rough month for Raph. He ate meals with his family and then made excuses to slip away. He hated the lying. He hated the hiding but he knew there was no other way. He needed to lose weight until he felt better. Once he felt better about himself he would stop.

Even though he was eating Splinter could tell he was still losing weight. Something was wrong. He watched his son eat. He should be gaining weight. He should look healthy but he didn't. In fact he looked worse.

Splinter knew he had to do something. If he didn't his son would waste away. He was watching one of his sons die. He found himself staring at his children. They were sitting together watching television in the living room.

“Donatello,” he said. “May I speak with you?”

“Of course,” Don said getting up from the couch.

His brothers looked at his with curiosity but quickly turned back to the glowing box. Don followed Splinter into the mediation room silently.

The two of them sat down across from each other. Splinter poured two glasses of tea. Splinter drank down a mouth full before speaking.

“I am very worried about Raph,” Splinter said. “I see him eat but he is still losing weight. I thought he would recover once he started eating again.”

“I know Sensei,” Don said sighing. “He is wasting away. If he keeps up like this he'll die.”

“Perhaps some blood work would be in order,” the rat suggested. “Maybe this is something medical.”

“Maybe,” the purple turtle said frowning.

“You don't believe so?” Splinter asked.

“Raph has been using my computer a lot lately,” Don explained. “I put a key logger on my computer. I wanted to know what he was doing on there. Master Splinter I've been trying to bring this but to you before but I had no idea how.”

“What was he doing?” Splinter asked in a confused voice.

“I think Raph has a serious problem” Don said. “I should have told you sooner but....I'm so confused by it. I think Raph is bulimic.”

“Bulimic?” the rat asked narrowing his eyes. “What does this mean?”

“I think he is eating and throwing the food up,” the purple clad turtle answered. “Bulimic people throw up their food so they won't gain weight.”

“He is afraid of gaining weight?” Splinter asked. “But...but he is so thin now.”

“I know Master Splinter,” Don said. “Raph has a mental illness. He looks at himself and sees an overweight person.”

Splinter frowned and looked down at his cup of tea. He was completely unsure of what to say. His son was sick. He was suffering and he had no idea how to help him. After a moment of feeling lost he looked up at Don.

“What do we do?” Splinter asked. “This can't go on. He will die if he keeps up.”

“I know,” the computer nerd said. “You need to tell him you know what he is doing and that you want to help.”

Splinter knew he was right. He needed to be direct with him. Yet, Splinter knew that would be a problem. Raphael could be a very difficult person to talk to.

“Perhaps catching in the act what would be the best,” Don suggested. “He will be angry and he'll yell but he won't be able to deny it.”

“Perhaps that is the way to do it,” Splinter said nodding. “This can't go on anymore. Thank you. Don't tell your brothers what is going on. I don't want Raph to know I am on to him.

  
Don nodded before walking out of the mediation room. After a minute Splinter was left alone with his thoughts. He was so scared of confronting Raphael. He was terrified that when he was confronted Raph would just run out and never return.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  


 


	7. Chapter 7

Raphael knew something was up. His family was wise to him. Leonardo seemed to have dropped his previous worry. If he went too long without eating his older brother would give him worried looks. As soon as he picked up food his brother seemed happy.

He was sure Don knew what he was up. He watched him every time he ate. He always had a worried look on his face. Whenever he went to the bathroom to purge his food back up he made sure to lock the door behind him. He didn't need one of them walking in one him. 

He was really worried about Mikey finding out. Donnie and Leo were mature enough not to completely freak out. His youngest brother would break down if he knew what he was doing. The orange clad turtle was clearly worried about him but was hiding it behind jokes and laughter. Good old Mikey. 

Of course, Raph felt guilt. He didn't want to hurt his family. He didn't want them to worry. Especially his father. The old rat had backed up a lot. He wasn't staring at him. He wasn't asking him how he felt all the time. That made Raph feel better. He didn't like it when someone tracked his ever mood or thought.

In fact, it almost made him want to go to his father. He was so understanding and patient. Yet, he couldn't do it. 

The other night he actually stood in front of his father's room for almost an hour. He wanted to knock so badly. He wanted to ask for help but he couldn't. He couldn't knock. He couldn't open his soul in that way.

\--

  
  


Splinter knew he had to wait until the time was right. He would have to catch his son at the right time. Raph was eating popcorn and watching a monster movie with Mikey. Even though he still felt uncomfortable hanging out with his brothers it was getting better. As he lost more and more weight he felt more in control. He could control his life. There was something special about him. He had complete control over his body.

He looked down at the empty bag of popcorn and frowned. He hadn't meant to eat that much. It was going to have to come up.

“Be right back,” he said getting up from the couch. “Bathroom.”

Mikey nodded and kept watching his movie. Raph walked in the door and locked it. He turned on the sink to cover the noise of his vomiting.

Little known to him Splinter was waiting. As soon as he noticed it son head into the bathroom he walked over to the door. He knew that if he twisted to the knob a couple of times to both sides it would open. It was a safety feature in case someone needed to open the door.

He had tried to mental prepare himself but there was no way for that to happen. He jerked open the door and stared at the sight before him.

Raph was on his knees in front of the toilet. His fingers were jammed down his throat. Splinter watched as his son forced his food up his throat and into the toilet. For a second there was silence. The only noise was the flowing water in the sink.

The red turtle felt he was being watched. He lifted his head and turned around. A horrified look crossed his face. He jumped to his feet and flushed the toilet.

“Raphael,” Splinter said. “We need to talk.”

Splinter knew! No doubt his brothers knew. He felt complete shame. He was such a failure and now everyone knew it. He HAD to get out of the house. He seemed completely panicked. He quickly pushed past his father.

“Raphael please,” his father said. “Please don't run.”

Raphael didn't wait to hear what he had say. He couldn't handle it. He needed to get away. He needed to run and never stop running. Mikey jumped up from the couch at the sudden noise. He looked on in shock as Raph made a beeline for the door.

"Leave me alone," Raphael yelled as he ran out of the lair.

"What's going on?" Mikey asked. 

"I'm not really sure myself," Splinter said with a sigh. "I'm as lost as you are."


	8. Chapter 8

Raphael didn't know where he was running to but he knew he couldn't stop running. He didn't really anywhere to go but he knew he couldn't go home.

He knew Splinter would only worry about him and he hated the fact he was making him worry. He was afraid of what his brothers would think of him. They would call him dramatic. They would call him a girl. He couldn't handle the shame.

He ran until his lungs began to burn. He dropped down to the ground panting. His heart was racing and his head was spinning. His body couldn't handle the running. He was too starved. He leaned against the wall and tried to gather himself.

He knew sooner or later he would have to go home. If he went to April and Casey's place they would tell Splinter where he was. He didn't believe anyone would force him to go home. Would he feel safe there? Would April and Casey lecture him? Would they make fun of him?

He put his head in his hand and groaned. He needed to go somewhere. His head was spinning and he was freezing. He needed some pain killers and a warm blanket. Ever since he started losing weight he was cold all the time.

After a moment of sitting in silent thought he decided he would go see April and Casey. They would patch him up and make sure he was safe. They would call Splinter and let him know he was alright but they wouldn't force him to go home. He often went to their place when he got into fights with his brothers and they never made him go home. They knew sometimes all he needed was a little space.

With a groan he got to his feet and headed towards their apartment.

–

“No,” April said into the phone. “I haven't seen him Splinter. Is everything alright?”

A little while after Raph stormed out Splinter called their only friends to see if they had seen him. He was very worried about him. He was in no state to be roaming the city by himself.

“He isn't well,” Splinter said. “I don't really know how to explain it. Just know that he is very sick.”

April happened to look up and saw the turtle through the window.

“He actually just showed up,” April said smiling and waving. “He does look pretty tired. Want me to watch him for a bit?”

“That would be wonderful,” Splinter said. “If you can please try to get him to eat something.”

“Alright,” April said in a confused voice. “I'll order him something.”

That surprised April. Why did he sound so concerned about Raphael eating? The turtle always seemed to be a healthy eater.

“Thank you April,” the rat said in a grateful voice. “I'll let him have his private time. Tell him he can come home anytime.”

“Of course,” she said. “He's in good hands.”

April said her goodbyes as Raph entered the room. He barely made it to the couch before he collapsed.

“What's wrong?” April asked rushed to his side. “You look awful. You're freezing! Casey! Get a blanket.”

Casey came out of the bedroom with a heavy blanket and wrapped it around Raph's shoulders. Raph took a deep breath and pulled the blanket around him tightly. It felt nice to be warm for a second. At home he piled on the blankets to stay warm.

“I got wet in the sewer,” Raph explained as he felt his body returning to normal.

“You look awful,” Casey said walking into the kitchen. “I'm going to order you some food. You look like you've lost thirty pounds.”

Thirty pounds? Raph shook his head. There was no way he had lost that much.

“Pizza would be alright I guess,” he whispered.

He was starving and his stomach hurt. The constant vomiting was tearing it up. Eating one meal and keeping it down wouldn't kill him. He knew his body needed it.

Casey walked off into the bedroom to use the phone leaving April and Raphael alone. April sat down next to him and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Raph,” she said. “Splinter seemed really worried about you. I know we haven't seen much of you lately but that doesn't mean we don't care. You know you can tell us anything.”

“I'm just having some problems right now,” Raphael. “I know Splinter is just worried but I can't talk to him about it.”

“You can stay here as long as you want,” she said. “Maybe some time away from your brothers would do you some good. Do you want anything to go with your pizza?”

Raph liked the idea of fries but decided against it. He shook his head. He wasn't sure his body could handle it.

“Raph,” she said gently. “You don't have to tell me but I feel like I need to ask. Are you by any chance having some problems with food?”

Raph couldn't look her at her. He lowered his eyes to the floor and nodded.

“It's alright,” she said giving him a hug. “I won't pressure you.”

April got up from the couch and walked into the bedroom. He could hear Casey on the phone. April closed the door behind her. No doubt she was telling Casey what he had just admitted to. Raph felt like he wanted to cry.

He had fallen so low. He truly felt like he had hit bottom. He needed a distraction. He picked up the remote and turned on the TV.

 

 

Forty minutes later Raph was lying on the couch with a full stomach. It felt so good to be warm and full. The feeling of full stomach was an odd sensation for him. He wasn't used to it at all. It felt foreign and unnatural in a way.

He was almost asleep. His eyes were closed and he felt his breathing start to relax. He was on the edge of sleep when he heard voices.

“Poor guy,” he heard Casey say.

“Sh,” April said. “He's awake.”

“No way,” Casey said. “I just checked. The turtle is out cold. He looks like he really needs the rest.”

“I know,” she said. “He doesn't look like he's been eating at all.”

“What do you think is going on?” the man asked.

“I don't know much about it,” April said. “He did tell me he was having problems with food. I can tell that just looking at him. He looks so thin.”

“What do we do?” Casey questioned.

“He's going to stay with us for as long as he needs,” April explained. “You can take care of him while I'm at work. I'm supposed to leave in a few days. Someone needs a family relic from Russia. I really don't want to leave him like this.”

“I can handle him,” the man said. “I'll make sure he eats and see if I can't get him to talk to me some.”

Raphael wanted to keep listening to their conversation but he couldn't. He so tired. He took a deep breath and let sleep take him.

 


	9. Chapter 9

The next morning Raph woke up early. He was hungry and thirsty. He flicked off his blanket and looked out the window. The sky was still dark. Despite the hour the city was busy under him. It truly was the city that never slept.

He got to his feet and wondered into the kitchen. He thought about making a bowl of cereal but decided against it. With a shake of his head he poured himself a glass of water. He drank it in a hurry. It helped to make his stomach feel less empty.

As Raph headed back to the couch he glanced at the phone. He felt the urge to talk to his father. He needed to hear his comforting voice. Splinter always knew how to make him feel better. He wasn't sure if anyone would be up at the lair but that didn't stop him from picking up the phone.

He pushed in the number and half hoped no one would answer. After a only a couple of rings it was picked up.

“Mikey here,” his younger brother's voice came through the phone.

“Hi Mikey,” Raphael said. “I wasn't expecting anyone to actually be awake.”

“Raph?” Mikey questioned in a surprised voice. “Are you alright? We've been so worried. Splinter said that you were safe but he wouldn't tell us much.”

“I'm with April and Casey,” the red clad turtle explained. “I'm not feeling well. I just need some space right now.”

“Is it something we did?” Michelangelo asked. “Did I do something?”

“No way Mikey,” he said with a forced laugh. “You might be a little dumb sometimes but you don't normally piss me off.”

“Good to know,” the youngest turtle answered. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Is Splinter awake?” Raphael asked. “I need to talk to him.”

“I think he's asleep,” Mikey said after a moment. “I'll have him call you as soon as he wakes up.”

“Thanks,” Raphael said. “Look I've got to go. Don't worry Mikey. I'll be home in a few days.”

Raphael was slightly relieved his father wasn't awake. He wasn't ready to talk to him. He was so worried his father was going to be disappointed. He wasn't the warrior he was supposed to be. He was weak.

“Alright,” the turtle said sounding a bit happier. “I just want you to know you can talk to us Raph. I don't really understand what's going on but that doesn't mean I can't listen.”

“I know Mikey,” Raphael said. “I won't be gone long.”

After the two of them said their goodbyes Raphael hung up the phone and went back to the kitchen. He knew he needed to eat something. He was sure he would throw it up but he had to at least try.

–

 

April could hear Raphael moving around in the kitchen. She rolled over and looked at Casey. Her boyfriend was still sleeping. He often slept during the day and was up at night. She decided it would be good to check on Raph. Maybe she could get him to open up a little.

She pulled herself out of bed and slipped on her robe. She walked out of the bedroom and into the living room. She was happy to see the turtle was sitting on the couch eating a bowl of cereal. He was pushing it down as fast as he could. He was acting like he was starving.

“Morning Raph,” she said going into the kitchen to start a pot of coffee.

“Hi April,” he said looking up. “Did I wake you?”

“No,” she lied. “I'm the early bird. Casey usually sleeps late.”

After a moment Raph dumped his bowl in the sink and headed into the bathroom. April frowned when she heard water running in the bathroom. Over the sound of the water she thought she heard vomiting but she couldn't be sure.

Poor Raph, she thought as she poured herself a cup of coffee. The turtle needed some serious help.

She sat down on the coffee and turned on the morning news. She hated the idea of what Raph was doing behind that locked door. She wanted to go in an pull him out. She wanted to shake him and beg him not to. Of course she didn't. After it wouldn't do any good....would it?

The water stopped running in the bathroom and the door opened. The turtle walked out and sat down next to her on the couch. The two of them sat next to each other in silence.

“You don't have to tell me if you don't want to but are you throwing your food up?” April asked in a soft voice.

For a few minutes Raph just looked at his hands. His mouth was slightly open and it looked like he wanted to talk very badly.

“Yes,” he finally said. “It didn't start that way. It just kind of happened. I never expected it to get this bad. I don't want to do it anymore. I never even wanted to start.”

“Why did you?” April asked looking at him.

“I...” Raphael said looking away. “I wasn't eating and Splinter was starting to watch me. I wanted to get him off my back.”

“Why weren't you eating?” the woman questioned.

Raphael kept his eyes on his hands. He wasn't sure what to say. He had always been very close with April. In a way she was like the mother he had never had. He wanted to tell her everything. She was taking it very well. She wasn't angry and she didn't seem disgusted by what he was telling her.

“I needed to lose weight,” Raphael explained. “At least I just wanted to lose a little but...”

“Things got a bit out of hand?” she asked trying to finish his sentence.

“Yes,” the turtle said. “I don't know how to stop it now.”

It was the truth. If he tried to keep food down it hurt. He couldn't stand having food in his stomach for very long. Last night he had been starving. That was the only reason he had been able to keep the pizza down.

“Do you still think you need to lose weight?” April asked.

Raphael was done. He didn't want to answer that. He didn't want to hear the answer come out of his mouth. He knew he would say 'yes'. The thought that he still thought he was over weight disturbed him. He snapped his mouth shut.

“It's alright,” she said placing a hand on his shoulder. “You're doing great. Just remember I'm here if you need to talk.”

Raphael nodded as he curled up on the couch. He just wanted to be left alone. April seemed to sense this.

“I'm going to take a shower,” April said standing up. “Take it easy. I can tell you have a lot on your mind.”

“Are you going to make me stop....vomiting?” Raphael asked suddenly. “Are you going to make me gain weight?”

“I hope it doesn't come to that,” she said smiling slightly. “I hope we can figure out what is causing this problem in the first place. I have to leave the country in a few days but Casey will still be here for you. We won't leave you without some support.”

As April walked away Raphael felt a weight left off his chest. They were going to take it easy with him. They weren't going to force him to get better. That made him feel a little better. They made him feel more in charge.

–

 


	10. Chapter 10

  
  


 After a little while Splinter called to check in with him. They didn't talk about what was going on. They chatted about Mikey managing to get his hand stuck in the sink drain for a little. Raph could tell they would both avoiding talking about his problem.

Raph was lying on the couch with the phone in his hand. Casey and April sat together on the love seat watching a show. The turtle got up and walked into the bathroom. He needed to ask some serious questions and he wanted to be alone.

The red clad turtle locked the door behind him before siting down on the edge of the tub.

“What do you really want to talk to me about?” Splinter finally asked.

“Dad,” he said. “I...uh...are you mad at me?”

“Of course not,” the rat said. “I am worried. There is a difference. I think sometimes you have a hard time seeing the difference.”

“I'm trying,” Raph said. “I...I want to stop this.”

“I think I need to understand what is going on before I can help,” his father said. “I know you aren't eating and what you are eating you're....vomiting up.”

“Yeah that's basically it,” Raph said in almost a whisper. “I was sick of being the slow one.”

He wanted to say more but he found the words caught in his throat.

“I see,” Splinter said. “And you thought losing weight would make you faster?”

“Yes,” was all the turtle could manage.

“Alright,” Splinter said. “Makes sense so far. Why did you not come to me about this? I could have helped you.”

“I was scared,” Raphael admitted. “I was afraid of being judged. I never want to be seen as been weak.”

Splinter sighed. He knew that was a hard thing for his son to admit. He was really starting to make some head room but he knew better than to press him too hard.

“No one here is doing that,” his father assured him. “I promise you that. Do you need time? You sound upset.”

“Yes,” Raphael said nodding even though his father couldn't see him. “I'll call when I can talk again.”

“That sounds good,” Splinter said. “Remember I love you Raphael. I will always be there for you.”

“I know,” Raphael said. “I love you too Sensei.”

Raphael hung up the phone and set it on the toilet lid. All of a sudden he didn't feel well. He felt like he was coming down with the flu. His bones had started to ache weeks ago and it was just getting worse. Perhaps a warm shower would help.

He took off his bandanna and lay it next to the phone. He turned on the shower and got the water right. He stepped under the water and let out a sigh of relief. The warm water cascading down his shell felt like heaven.

For a second Raph wished he was home. He wished he had his brothers there to comfort him. He wished his father was there to pull him in for a hug. He wished he could feel his warm fur against him. He would go home but just not yet.

-

Dinner was on the first night was hell. Casey made a small bowl of chicken soup with crackers. He brought in a food tray so that Raph could eat it on the couch.

His friends left him to eat alone. They went into the kitchen to eat their meal together.

Raph broke up the crackers and dumped them in the soup. The crackers quickly absorbed the liquid. The turtle pushed his spoon around the bowl.

He really didn't want to eat but he knew it would be rude if he didn't. April and Casey were trying to help him. He ate a few spoon fulls.

At once he felt sick. He needed to get it back up. The soup was burning in his stomach.

He put the tray on the coffee table and just stared at it.

How did food have such power over him? It was just food. He didn't have to eat it. He could walk away.

Yet, he knew he had to eat. If he didn't eat he would die.

“Uh!” Raph screamed jumping to his feet.

April and Casey both looked at him. His friends had worried looks on their faces. He quickly rushed into the bathroom and locked the door.

He wasn't going to throw up soup. It was only a little bit of food. He couldn't throw it up! He had to show a little self control.

The red clad turtle sat down next to the toilet and put his shell against the cold porcelain.

“You alright in there?” came Casey's voice.

“Yes,” Raph said quickly. “Just need a moment.”

He took a deep breath and let held it until he heard Casey walking away. The turtle felt tears burning at his eyes. He just wanted to go back in time. He wanted to go back to before all this started. He just wanted the pain to end. 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

  
  


 

The next few days were stressful for everyone. Casey and April were making little progress with Raphael. By the third day he was able to keep down a few mouthfuls of food. Even that seemed to over whelm him.

April felt horrible about leaving him but she didn't have much of a choice. It was decided he would return home and if he felt overwhelmed he could return to stay with Casey.

“How are you feeling about going back?” April asked as she packed her bag.

“Nervous,” Raph answered as he watched. “I mean... I feel a little better about this whole than I did a few days ago.”

“That's good,” April said closing her suitcase. “I want you to know that we're here for you. Your family is going to supportive. I think maybe they feel just as lost as you do.”

“I know,” Raph said softly.

“Do you want one of us to walk you home?” his friend asked.

“No,” Raph said shaking his head. “I didn't even tell them I'm coming home tonight. They think I'm coming home in the morning. I don't want them....I don't want them making a big show over this.”

“Take care of yourself,” April said pulling him in for a hug. “You're doing great. Just take it one day at a time and you'll make it.”

“I know,” he said hugging her back. “Thanks for the help. I'm heading out now. I'll be fine April.”

April reluctantly let go of her friend.

–

Raphael almost changed his mind as he head out of the apartment. He didn't want to go home. He wanted to hide from them as long as possible. Yet, he knew that wasn't possible. It wouldn't do any good. He needed his family.

The turtle took his time walking through the sewers. He felt so tired with each step. He wasn't really sure how much more his body could take. He knew he had to recover or he wasn't going to last much longer.

When he reached the lair he took a deep breath before walking in. He knew his family would try their best to help him but he knew they would fail. There would be fight, yelling, and throwing of things. They didn't know how to handle his problem. At least he was sure that would happen.

His brothers were sitting at the table eating a late dinner. Mikey had an empty fried chicken bucket on his head. His brothers were laughing and spilling mash potatoes on the floor. They really seemed to be having a good time.

Raphael stood still in the living room unsure of what to do.

Donnie happened to glance in his direction and saw him out of the corner of his eye. He stopped laughing and gave his brother a little smile.

“I thought you weren't coming home until tomorrow,” he said.

The statement caused his brothers to look in the direction he was standing. They all stopped laughing and talking. They just stared at him with concerned and surprised faces. It made Raph instantly uncomfortable.

Mikey jumped up from his seat and ran over to him. The orange clad turtle pulled him into a tight hug. Raph couldn't help but laugh at the sight in front of him. Mikey still had the fried chicken bucket on his head and was smiling.

“I missed you,” he said before letting go. “Want some chicken?”

Raphael frowned and looked away. There was no way he could eat fried chicken. Too greasy. Too fatty.

“Oh yeah,” Mickey said and the happiness seemed to vanish from his face. “I forgot.”

“I'll eat,” Raph said nodding. “Just not chicken. Too greasy for my stomach right now. What else you got?”

That seemed to make Mikey so happy. He ran to refrigerator and started digging through it. The red clad turtle joined his other brothers at the table.

“Feeling better?” Leo asked.

“A little,” Raph said.

It was the truth. That fact that things were out made him feel a little better. He didn't have to hide it anymore. It wasn't some dark secret he had to keep locked away in his soul.

“How about chicken fried salad?” Mikey asked. “We have some left over from yesterday.”

“That sounds good,” Raph said.

“Well,” Leo said. “I'm glad. Now you can start eating again and we can get past this.”

Raph looked at Leo in surprise. Did his brother really think it was that easy? Did he really think he could just start eating and be normal? Could he? Did it really work like that?

“It won't be that easy.” Donnie said when he saw the confused look on Raph's face. “I did a little research on this. Physical recovery can last months and mental recovery can take ages.”

“Hey,” Mikey said. “Not now. Not during dinner time.”

The table fell silent. Mikey put a plate of chicken salad in front of Raph. Quietly the four of them started to eat.

Raph tried his best but he couldn't get more than a few mouth fulls down. Every piece of food that hit his stomach made his urge to purge it back up stronger. He didn't want to vomit it back up. He wouldn't vomit it back up.

“I'm going to bed,” Raph said standing up.

“It's early,” Mikey said. “And you just home.”

“I need to lie down,” Raph said. “Is Splinter still awake? I want to say goodnight.”

“No,” Donnie said. “He seemed kind of stressed. He went to bed early.”

Oh well. Raph would see him in the morning. He said goodnight to his brothers before heading into his bedroom.

 

–

For some reason returning to his room felt strange. It felt he was stepping into a long forgotten child hood play room. A place that used to hold pleasant memories but now just felt like an empty shell.

He hadn't bothered to clean anything in ages. Since he started restricting he just didn't have the energy to do it anymore. A light coating of dust covered everything. His mirror was still covered with a sheet. He hadn't looked at his reflection in ages.

Raph walked over to the mirror and pulled the sheet down. The white fabric slid down the glass and onto the floor. The turtle half expected to see a thin and sick creature staring back at him. That wasn't what he saw. He still saw an over weight creature.

He thought about putting it back up but decided against it. He collapsed onto the bed and quickly fell asleep.

 

–

Raph wasn't sure what woke him but out of no where he felt his body being yanked from its peaceful sleep. He blinked his eyes a few times and looked at his alarm clock.

3:32 glared back at him in red numbers.

He knew his body had digested his dinner long ago but the fact that he had eaten bothered him. He knew what he had to do.

The red clad turtle climbed out of bed and carefully slipped out of his room. He didn't want anyone to catch him. He didn't want them to see he was struggling. It wouldn't be bad if Don or Leo saw it but poor Mikey wasn't taking it very well.

The lair was silent and dark as Raph headed towards the bathroom. He felt like he was taking a walk of shame. Every step felt like a stab in the heart. What was he doing? He couldn't do this. He wanted to scream.

Raph opened the door and went inside. He didn't even bother to shut the door. Part of him wanted to get caught. Part of him wanted someone to walk in and hug him; tell him everything was going to be alright.

He knelt down in front of the toilet and shoved his finger down his throat. The gagging, the burning, the pain, and the shame overwhelmed him. He was flushing the toilet when he felt a hand on his shoulder. The long claws told him it was his father.

“It's alright my son,” he said. “Come. I have some tea to help your stomach.”

Splinter removed his hand and walked out of the bathroom. Raph washed his hands before following after Splinter.

His father was in the kitchen preparing some tea. Raph hoped the tea would help his stomach. He would trust his father's judgment. He knew a thing or two about tea. He walked over and sat down at the table.

“Would you like to talk about it Raphael?” Splinter asked placing the kettle on the hot stove.

“I had some chicken salad when I got home,” he explained. “I woke up and just couldn't handle I had eaten it.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?” he asked.

Raph wasn't sure what to say. He knew he needed tough love. He needed them to stop him from throwing up. He didn't believe he would be able to stop on his own. Yet, he felt he wasn't ready for it. He just needed to remember he was loved.

“Why am I the worst of my brothers?” he asked suddenly. “Donnie, Mikey, and Leo are all better than me. Donnie is great with computers, Mikey skateboards and plays video games, Leo is well Leo. There is nothing special about me. I guess I need to know there is something special about me. Even if it's a lie I need to hear it.”

“I would never lie to you,” Splinter said. “You are a wonderful person. You truly care about protecting the world from evil. You would do anything for me or your brothers. You're a great fighter, a good cook, great at video games, basketball, and you have a soft spot for animals. I could go on much longer. I'm sorry you don't like yourself.”

Raph smiled at his father's words. Part of him believed him but the other part thought he was lying to make him eat.

“Raphael,” he said in a suddenly serious tone. “I need to ask you a serious question.”

What is it?” the turtle asked in a soft voice.

He was almost scared of what Splinter was going to ask.

“When you look at yourself do you think you're skinnier than you were before this started?” the rat asked.

“No,” Raph said shaking his head. “I don't see it. I see a chubby slow turtle.”

“Do you think you weigh more than your brothers?” Splinter questioned.

“Oh yes,” Raph said nodding. “I'm sure of it.”

Raph looked at his father with a curious look. What was his father up to?

After a moment Splinter got up and fetched them both a cup of tea. As Raph sat in the kitchen drinking his tea he felt his body started to relax. For the first time time Raph felt his worries slip away. He knew being around his father would make him feel better.

-

It was decided Raph wouldn't be allowed to train until he gained some weight. Splinter made sure to say it wasn't a punishment. He was just worried that it might be too much for his sick body.

Raphael knew it was for his own good. Yet, it killed him. He was lying on the couch listening to his brothers train in the dojo. He was trying to watch television but it was hard to focus on the movie with the sounds of his brothers enjoying themselves.

He looked at his breakfast that was still sitting on the coffee table. A small plate of scrambled eggs and two pieces of bacon was sitting on the hard wood surface.

Splinter wanted him to 'try' and finish the small meal. He had taken a few bites of egg and one of bacon. He glanced towards the bathroom door. He wanted to purge. He was dying to get the eggs up. He whined and pushed his face into the couch.

 _I can do this,_ he thought as he took a deep breath.

“I going to go check on Raph,” Mikey's voice reached his ears.

“Give him some space,” Donnie said. “Hounding him won't help.”

“I'm not hounding him,” Mikey said. “Just going to check.”

Raph wanted to cry as he heard Mikey's footsteps get closer. He knew his younger brother was just worried about him. He lifted his head slightly when he felt the turtle standing near.

“You alright?” Mikey asked.

“Fine,” Raph lied.

The orange clad turtle had a worried look on his face. He looked down at the barley touched breakfast.

“Raph,” he said softly. “Can't you at least try?”

What? At least try? He was trying! His stomach was killing him. He wanted to get the food up more than anything. How dare Michelangelo say that!

The red clad turtle jumped to his feet and shoved his brother.

“What the hell Raph?” Mikey asked as he was bumped back.

“I am trying!” he said. “You have no idea what I'm going through.”

Mikey looked at him in shock. He really wasn't expecting him to explode like that. Mikey eyes went soft and Raph could tell he had really hurt his feelings.

“I can't do this right now,” Raph said before turning to head towards the bathroom.

“No!” Mikey screaming lunging at his brother.

Raph didn't even have a chance. Mikey tackled him to the floor. The turtle let out a grunt of pain as he hit the floor.

“Mikey!” Don shouted. “Get off of him!”

“He's going to throw up,” the orange clad turtle explained. “He barley ate anything and he was going to throw up.”

“This isn't the way to handle it,” Don explaining pulling one brother off the other.

“He's going to die!” the youngest turtle cried. “Why am I the only one who cares?”

“We care,” Donatello said. “We do. We all want him to get better but tackling him isn't going to do any good. You alright Raph?”

Raph nodded and tried to get up but found himself unable to. His knees were killing him and he just couldn't find the energy to stand.

“Help me,” Raph said weakly. “I can't stand.”

It killed him to admit he needed help.

Don bend down and wrapped Raph's arms around his neck. He didn't have any trouble helping the turtle to his feet. He had lost so much weight. Mikey stood off to the side and watched with guilty eyes. Don placed Raph on the couch.

“I'm sorry,” Mikey said. “Can I get you anything Raph?”

“Water,” Raph said. “And a blanket.”

Mikey nodded and quickly raced off. Don looked up to see Leo and Splinter standing in the doorway to the Dojo.

“What happened?” Leo asked.

“Mikey tried to help,” Don explained. “Poor Raph tried to go the bathroom and Mikey tackled him.”

“I see,” Splinter said. “Are you hurt Raphael?”

“My knees hurt,” the red clad turtle explained. “But I'm alright.”

Mikey quickly rushed back into the room with a blanket. He threw it over his brother. Raph smiled and pulled it tightly around him.

“I want to make something clear,” Splinter said. “Raphael is sick; physically and mentally. I will not see him physically injured because of this. Do you understand me Michelangelo?”

“Yes Sensei,” Mikey said. “I'll get your water Raph.”

“When you are done Michelangelo please join us in the mediation room,” Splinter explained.

Mikey nodded knowing he was bond to be in more trouble for what he had done. He retrieved the glass of water and sat it next to Raphael's unfinished plate.

Three of the turtles followed their father into the mediation room. Mikey couldn't help looking over his shoulder at his brother.

 

–

The turtles were surprised to see a bathroom scale sitting on the floor in the middle of the room.

“What's this about?” Leo asked pointing to the scale.

“I need a baseline to see what you three weigh,” Splinter explained. “I forgot I found it ages ago.”

“I'll go first,” Leo said stepping forward.

Each turtle took a turn standing on the scale. Mikey weighed the least at 240. Don was the heaviest at 250 and Leo was right in the middle at 245.

“I need to show Raphael that he is indeed lighter than you three,” Splinter explained. “Maybe it will help him. I want you to back off Mikey. I know you want to help him but the truth is we don't know what to do. You three can have the rest of the day to yourselves.” 

Splinter picked up the scale and headed out the living room. He knew it was going to be hard getting Raph on the scale but he knew he had to do it.

 

–

Splinter gave Raph a little while before he brought the scale out. The turtle was sitting up and his empty plate was on the coffee table.

“Raph,” the rat said. “I need you to do something.”

“What is it?” Raph asked in a worried voice.

“I need to know your weight,” his father explained clutching the scale. “I can understand that you might not want to know. I need to know how bad this is. You can get on backwards if you want.”

Raph nodded and pushed his blanket off. He was feeling a lot better and was sure he could stand. Splinter sat the scale down on the floor. The underweight turtle looked worried but stepped on the scale anyway.

200 pounds filled the small window. Splinter sighed looking at the number. It was worse than they thought.

“You're forty pounds lighter than your brothers,” Splinter explained as Raph stepped off.

 _Forty pounds? There was no way that was possible._ Raph thought as he dropped back to the couch.

“I understand this will take some time,” Splinter said picking up the scale. “When you have recovered from this....physically at least...I want you at two forty.”

“Two forty?” he questioned. “That sounds impossible.”

“I know sounds like a lot,” his father said. “Just remember to take it one day at a time. Change does not happen all at once.”

Raph sighed as his father walked away. Here he was so proud he held down some eggs and bacon. It would take him ages to get where his father wanted him. It sounded like a mountain he would never be able to climb.

 


	12. Chapter 12

Mikey tried to keep out of Raphael's way the next few days. He avoided his brother at all cost and hadn't said one word to him. It broke his heart to see his brother that way. After all Mikey had been just trying to help. Perhaps his brother was right. Maybe they were giving in to him too much.

Raph was still stuck on the couch. He hated it. He quickly became bored of the television and video games. There always seem to be a plate of food on the coffee table. Splinter had switched out his water for milk.

The red clad turtle hated the way the milk felt going down his throat. It felt so heavy in his stomach but he was fighting to keep it down. He had thrown up the pancakes but kept the milk and bacon down.

He was keeping an eye out for Mikey. He wanted to talk to his brother. He wanted to tell him he really didn't blame him.

He didn't get his chance until lunch time. Don had fixed him a ham and cheese sandwich with some chips, and milk. He noticed Mikey standing in the kitchen fixing his own lunch.

“Mikey,” Raph called lifting his head. “Come here a minute pal.”

Mikey looked around for a minute. He seemed a little unsure of talking to Raph. Finally he nodded and walked over to his brother. Raph moved into a sitting up position so that he could sit down. Mikey didn't look at him as he sat down.

“I'm sorry about the other day,” Mikey said. “I...I want to help.”

“I know,” Raph said. “You thought you were doing the right thing. Maybe you're right.”

Mikey jerked his head in his brother's direction. His eyes widened with shock. It wasn't often that Raph told him that he was right.

“I give you permission to stop me from throwing up,” Raph said. “I know I won't get any better I keep doing it.”

“Really?” Mikey asked his eyes lighting up with happiness. “For real?”

“Yes,” the older turtle said. “Try talking with me and sitting with me after I eat. This is your job Mikey. You're the one I trust with it.”

That really made the orange clad turtle's day. He smiled from ear to ear and nodded. He knew he could truth Mikey with the job. It would really help them both. It would keep Raph from throwing up as much and it would give Mikey something to focus on.

Don walked in and sat his lunch in front of him. He gave his brothers a happy look. He was glad to see them getting along.

“Do you want me to sit with you while you eat?” Mikey asked looking at the food. “Or is that too much?”

“No it's cool,” Raph said picking up half of his sandwich. “You can stay.”

After eating half a sandwich, some milk, and a couple chips Raph started feeling desperate. His stomach was hurting and the urge to throw up was growing with each second.

“Did you know Don is almost done with that secret project?” Mikey asked.

“What?” Raph asked unsure of what Mikey was talking about.

“That thing he started months ago,” the orange clad turtle explained. “He's been working on it for ages.”

“Any clue what it is?” Raph asked trying not to think about the pain in his stomach.

“Who knows,” Mikey said. “It could be a robot wife for all I know.”

That did it. Raph started to laugh and shake his head. Only Mikey would think of something like that.

“I wouldn't be surprised,” Raph said still laughing.

The conversation made him feel good. It was the first time in months that he had actually laughed. He slowly started to forget about the pain in his stomach.

“Thanks,” Raph said. “You really helped me out. For once Mikey I have to say you were right.”

“It actually worked?” Mikey asked in surprise. “Me? I did something right. I thought you were just pulling me leg for a minute. I have to tell Leo. He won't believe this.”

Mikey quickly jumped up from the couch and ran off to find Leo.

–

The next day Raph was ready to lose his mind. He'd been twenty four hours without purging and it was eating him up inside. The need to get the food out was taking over. Mikey was doing his job and refused to leave his side until well after dinner.

Raph found the energy to return to his bedroom but didn't stay there long. The urge to purge took over and headed to the bathroom. He looked around to make sure no one was watching him before diving into the bathroom.

He knew he wasn't bound to have much food in his stomach but he had to try. He knelt down in front of the toilet and lifted the lid. He felt he was betraying Mikey by doing it but he couldn't stop himself. He stuck his finger down his throat and managed to bring up some food.

His body shook from the stress of it and he felt tears flow from his eyes.

“I hate this,” he cried out loud to no one.

His head was started to spin. He flushed the toilet and made to stand up. He found himself unable to do some and collapsed back to the hard cold floor. His heart was racing and he felt like he was going to pass out.

“Dad!” he cried in a weak voice.

He knew he needed help. He'd been eating but he hadn't been drinking enough. No doubt he thrown up what little fluid he had left in his body.

“Dad!” he tried again.

No doubt Splinter couldn't hear him. He started to drag himself toward the door. He needed to get some fluid and get back to bed. He barley made it out of the bathroom door. He closed his eyes and collapsed onto the floor.

“I'm here Raphael.” he heard his father's voice. “Rest. I'll take care of you.”

It was the last thing Raphael heard before he passed out.

 

  
  


 


	13. Chapter 13

Splinter wasted no time in waking his other sons. He would need help getting Raph to bed. Leo gave him a hand lugging his son to his bed. Don ran to get some of their medical supplies. Raph was in heavy need of an IV. The turtle's breathing and heart beat were very light.

“What can I do?” Mikey asked as Raph hit his blankets.

“We will take turns watching over him,” Splinter said. “If anything goes wrong I don't want him....passing...alone. You will take first watch.”

Passing? Mikey's eyes opened wide. His father didn't think his brother was going to last much longer. The idea caused Mikey's blood to run cold.

Don rushed into the room with an IV bag and was quickly setting his brother up. Raph gave a little groan as the needle went in.

“That's a good sign,” Don explained. “He can still feel things and he's still with us.”

“You two go back to sleep,” Splinter said looking at Don and Leo. “You will need your rest.”

The two turtles looked reluctant but did leave. Mikey covered his brother up and sat on the edge of the bed.

“Please don't die man,” Mikey said. “Not over something stupid like this.”

“We can only hope,” Splinter explained sitting down in the only chair in the room. “Raphael is a strong one. Chances are he will pull through.”

“Chances?” Mikey asked looking at his brother. “Isn't there more we can do?”

“Donatello will keep giving him nutrients through the IV,” Splinter explained. “It really is all we can do.”

Mikey didn't want to leave his brother's side. He was so scared something was going to happen. He would only switch places with one of his brothers when he became desperate for food or sleep. He had placed his own teddy bear in bed with his brother. Raph looked so small lying there by himself. He knew it was stupid but he hoped the bear would help.

On the third day of his vigil Don walked in and place a hand on his shoulder.

“You need to eat,” Don explained. “Starving yourself won't help him.”

“I'm scared,” Mikey confessed. “I'm scared that if I leave he'll stop breathing.”

“I'll call you if anything goes wrong,” Don promised. “I just talked to April. She is on the next plane home. I got a little hell for not calling sooner but...but I didn't want her worry.”

“Good,” Mikey said standing up. “I'm going to eat dinner and take a nap. Wake me up in a few hours.”

“Of course,” Don said.

The orange clad turtle gave his brother a nervous look before leaving the room. Don took his brother's place.

“Hey Raph,” he said even though he doubted his brother could hear him. “I wanted to tell you about that secret project I've been working on. I'm been building you a new bike. Really fancy. A built in GPS and phone. Maybe I should have told you before. It was supposed to be a surprise for Christmas. It's in two weeks. I have it all ready for you. I can't shake the feeling that if I had let you in on it you wouldn't have felt so left out around here. Sorry man.”

No noise or movement from his brother.

“I know you can't hear me bro,” he said. “I don't know why I'm even saying this. I'll have to repeat it for you when you wake but I want you know that I love you. I'm sorry that I let you forget that. Don't you worry. When you wake up we're going to make sure you know that.”

April arrived first thing the next morning and went right to the lair. She felt so guilty about the whole situation. She should have declined the job. She shouldn't have left the country. Raph was like a brother to her and she had just walked out on him. She couldn't help but feel guilty.

When she walked into the lair she found Splinter and Leo talked in the kitchen.

“It isn't looking good,” Leo explained. “Raph hasn't moved or made a noise in four days.”

“We can't give up Leonardo,” Splinter said. “Just keep thinking positive.”

“Is it really that bad?” April asked walking over to the them.

“Yes,” Leo said. “Mikey spends every waking minute with him and he is really starting to give up hope.”

“Is he in Raphael's room?” April questioned.

“Yes,” Splinter said softly with a nod.

April walked down to Raphael's room and peeked inside. Mikey was sitting on the bed reading the night before Christmas. Poor Raph was unconscious with an IV in his arm. April sighed and leaned against the door frame.

“Hi Mikey,” April said.

“Hi,” Mikey said closing the book. “When did you get in?”

“I just got here,” April explained walking into the bedroom.

She sat down next to Mikey. She could tell the turtle hadn't gotten much sleep. His eyes had bags under them and his eyes were red.

“You need to get some sleep,” April said. “You look like crap.”

“I can't sleep,” Mikey said. “Every time my head hits the pillow all I can think about is Raph. I feel so guilty about this whole thing. I must have done something wrong to cause this to happen. Did I make him feel unloved? Did I say something that made him feel fat? I keep thinking but I can't think of anything.”

“I feel guilty too,” April said. “I keep thinking the same kind of things. It's killing poor Casey. He was his best friend after all. He feels to guilty to even come. I just think we need to stop worrying about it. It isn't going to make anything any better.”

“I hope he wakes me in time for Christmas,” Mikey said looking at Raphael. “I can't image a Christmas morning without him.”

“I hope he wakes up soon too,” April said. “I'm staying here until he does. You guys really need the support.”

“Thank you.” Mikey said leaning against April. “Can I have a hug?”

“Of course,” she said pulling the turtle into a hug.

April frowned as she held onto the turtle. She hoped for everyone's sanity that Raph woke up soon.

 

  
  


 


	14. Chapter 14

 

Raph wasn't sure where he was when sound flooded his ears. He could hear his family talking. He could hear crying. He tried to roll over and felt a tug in his arm. He reached down with his other arm and felt an IV in his arm.

He blinked a few times and slowly the room came into focus. He closed his eyes and relaxed into his bed. He was in his bed covered up with a blanket. What had happened? The last thing he remembered was passing out on the bathroom floor. How long had he been out?

“I don't know,” April's voice flooded his ears. “Poor guy has been out cold for a week. I don't know if he is ever going to wake up.”

She was the one crying. It hurt to know he had caused her pain. It also shocked him to know he had been asleep for a week.

“Don says not to give up hope,” Mikey said. “Raph's body was pretty messed up. Maybe he needs to sleep.”

“All of this because he was worried about his weight,” April said. “I should have taken it more seriously when he came to me for help.”

“I don't think any of us really knew what to do,” his youngest brother said. “We were all in the dark.”

Raph opened his mouth to speak but only a light cough came out. He took a deep breath before trying again.

“Mikey!” he finally called. “Water!”

Even though his body was being filled with fluids and nutrients from the IV he really felt like he needed water in his mouth. Mikey jumped up and looked down at his brother in shock.

“Water please,” Raph said in a softer voice.

“Of course!” Mikey yelled running from the room. “Don! Leo! Splinter! Raph is awake. He's talking.”

“How are you feeling?” April asked moving closer to Raph.

“Sore,” he answered opening his eyes and looking around the room.

“I'm sure you do,” April said. “You pushed your body way too hard.”

“I'm sorry I made you guy worry so much,” Raph said. “I didn't mean to hurt anyone.”

“I know,” she said placing a comforting hand on his arm. “You aren't too blame for this. You're sick.”

“Mikey was right,” the turtle explained. “I wasn't trying hard enough. I was letting everyone baby me because it was easier.”

“Everything is going to fine,” April said. “We just need to take this one day at a time. I'm staying here until Christmas. You need me now. Casey is having a really hard time dealing with this but I'm sure he'll come down for Christmas.”

“I'm here!” Mikey yelled running in with the water. “Here you go. Don says that he'll be in to take the IV out in the minute. Is your hand sore?”

“A little,” Raph admitted taking the water from Mikey.

Raph sat up and started drinking the water. The cool water felt so good as it flowed into his mouth and down his throat. He didn't stop drinking until he finished it. He sat the glass on his bedside table.

“Anything else?” Mikey asked in an excited voice.

“Actual food?” Raph asked. “I'd love a bowl of soup.”

Mikey nodded and rushed out of the room. It was then that Raph noticed Mikey's teddy bear in the bed. He picked it up and looked at.

“He really has been worried,” April said. “We all I have been.”

Again Raph felt a stab of pain in his heart. He didn't know how he could be so selfish. April looked towards the door to see Don and Leo standing the doorway.

“I'll you three alone,” she said. “I'm sure Mikey needs help with that soup.”

April slipped out of the room leaving the three brothers alone. Don walked over and sat down next to Raph.

“Feeling alright?” he asked checking his vitals. “You look a whole lot better.”

“Yes,” Raph said. “Thanks for....you know...”

“No prob,” Don said removing the IV from Raph's arm. “You were lucky Dad found you when he did.”

Raph didn't say anything. He just looked down. He didn't want to meet their eyes. He was too ashamed of causing them pain.

“Don't worry about it,” Leo said sitting on the foot of the bed. “All that matters if that you're doing better. You gave us a pretty good scare.”

“Splinter,” he said suddenly looking up. “Where is Sensei?”

“Sleeping,” Don said. “He hasn't been getting much sleep lately.”

“We'll tell when you're awake once he has sleep for a few hours,” Leo explained. “He has been pretty worried.”

“Can I get up?” Raph asked looking at Don. “I know I just woke up but...I need to get up.”

Don frowned looking at him. He knew his brother needed more rest but he also knew he was talking to Raph. Raph wasn't really asking for permission. The turtle always did whatever he wanted. He was just asking because he didn't want anyone to get pissed off.

“Sure,” his brother said. “Just take it easy.”

Don took the IV supplies and left the room leaving Leo and Raph alone in the room together.

“Um...” Leo said as Raph pushed back the blankets. “I don't really know what to say.”

“It's alright,” Raph said moving to sit next to his brother. “I don't think anyone knows what to say.”

“I...I do love you Raph,” the blue clad turtle said. “I think sometimes I forget to say it.”

“Come on Leo,” he said shaking head. “No need to get sappy.”

“You really scared us,” Leonardo said. “I thought...I thought I might lose you.”

“I'm sorry about all of this,” Raph explained. “I didn't mean for it to go this far. I guess I just lost control.”

“It's alright,” Leo said pulling his brother in for a hug. “I think things are going to get better from now on.”

Raph hoped his brother was right. He knew he still had a long road a head of him but he would get there.

 

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

 

Raph wasn't sure where he was when sound flooded his ears. He could hear his family talking. He could hear crying. He tried to roll over and felt a tug in his arm. He reached down with his other arm and felt an IV in his arm.

He blinked a few times and slowly the room came into focus. He closed his eyes and relaxed into his bed. He was in his bed covered up with a blanket. What had happened? The last thing he remembered was passing out on the bathroom floor. How long had he been out?

“I don't know,” April's voice flooded his ears. “Poor guy has been out cold for a week. I don't know if he is ever going to wake up.”

She was the one crying. It hurt to know he had caused her pain. It also shocked him to know he had been asleep for a week.

“Don says not to give up hope,” Mikey said. “Raph's body was pretty messed up. Maybe he needs to sleep.”

“All of this because he was worried about his weight,” April said. “I should have taken it more seriously when he came to me for help.”

“I don't think any of us really knew what to do,” his youngest brother said. “We were all in the dark.”

Raph opened his mouth to speak but only a light cough came out. He took a deep breath before trying again.

“Mikey!” he finally called. “Water!”

Even though his body was being filled with fluids and nutrients from the IV he really felt like he needed water in his mouth. Mikey jumped up and looked down at his brother in shock.

“Water please,” Raph said in a softer voice.

“Of course!” Mikey yelled running from the room. “Don! Leo! Splinter! Raph is awake. He's talking.”

“How are you feeling?” April asked moving closer to Raph.

“Sore,” he answered opening his eyes and looking around the room.

“I'm sure you do,” April said. “You pushed your body way too hard.”

“I'm sorry I made you guy worry so much,” Raph said. “I didn't mean to hurt anyone.”

“I know,” she said placing a comforting hand on his arm. “You aren't too blame for this. You're sick.”

“Mikey was right,” the turtle explained. “I wasn't trying hard enough. I was letting everyone baby me because it was easier.”

“Everything is going to fine,” April said. “We just need to take this one day at a time. I'm staying here until Christmas. You need me now. Casey is having a really hard time dealing with this but I'm sure he'll come down for Christmas.”

“I'm here!” Mikey yelled running in with the water. “Here you go. Don says that he'll be in to take the IV out in the minute. Is your hand sore?”

“A little,” Raph admitted taking the water from Mikey.

Raph sat up and started drinking the water. The cool water felt so good as it flowed into his mouth and down his throat. He didn't stop drinking until he finished it. He sat the glass on his bedside table.

“Anything else?” Mikey asked in an excited voice.

“Actual food?” Raph asked. “I'd love a bowl of soup.”

Mikey nodded and rushed out of the room. It was then that Raph noticed Mikey's teddy bear in the bed. He picked it up and looked at.

“He really has been worried,” April said. “We all I have been.”

Again Raph felt a stab of pain in his heart. He didn't know how he could be so selfish. April looked towards the door to see Don and Leo standing the doorway.

“I'll you three alone,” she said. “I'm sure Mikey needs help with that soup.”

April slipped out of the room leaving the three brothers alone. Don walked over and sat down next to Raph.

“Feeling alright?” he asked checking his vitals. “You look a whole lot better.”

“Yes,” Raph said. “Thanks for....you know...”

“No prob,” Don said removing the IV from Raph's arm. “You were lucky Dad found you when he did.”

Raph didn't say anything. He just looked down. He didn't want to meet their eyes. He was too ashamed of causing them pain.

“Don't worry about it,” Leo said sitting on the foot of the bed. “All that matters if that you're doing better. You gave us a pretty good scare.”

“Splinter,” he said suddenly looking up. “Where is Sensei?”

“Sleeping,” Don said. “He hasn't been getting much sleep lately.”

“We'll tell when you're awake once he has sleep for a few hours,” Leo explained. “He has been pretty worried.”

“Can I get up?” Raph asked looking at Don. “I know I just woke up but...I need to get up.”

Don frowned looking at him. He knew his brother needed more rest but he also knew he was talking to Raph. Raph wasn't really asking for permission. The turtle always did whatever he wanted. He was just asking because he didn't want anyone to get pissed off.

“Sure,” his brother said. “Just take it easy.”

Don took the IV supplies and left the room leaving Leo and Raph alone in the room together.

“Um...” Leo said as Raph pushed back the blankets. “I don't really know what to say.”

“It's alright,” Raph said moving to sit next to his brother. “I don't think anyone knows what to say.”

“I...I do love you Raph,” the blue clad turtle said. “I think sometimes I forget to say it.”

“Come on Leo,” he said shaking head. “No need to get sappy.”

“You really scared us,” Leonardo said. “I thought...I thought I might lose you.”

“I'm sorry about all of this,” Raph explained. “I didn't mean for it to go this far. I guess I just lost control.”

“It's alright,” Leo said pulling his brother in for a hug. “I think things are going to get better from now on.”

Raph hoped his brother was right. He knew he still had a long road a head of him but he would get there.

\------

The next week seemed to fly by for Raph. His family smothered him with attention. Was that really what he wanted? It did make him feel a little better. Remembering he was loved made him feel safe and welcome.

Meal time was still beyond stressful. Everything he put down his throat felt like lava. It hurt his throat and stomach. It didn't matter what he ate. It just didn't feel right to have food inside of him. He wanted to purge it up so bad.

The whole week he only found himself with his head in the toilet twice. He felt guilty about each time but he was doing much better. Splinter would rub his shoulder and tell him that change didn't happen over night.

Splinter put him on the scale on Wednesday and Raph didn't know how to feel when he saw number 215 come up. He had gained fifteen pounds? That made panic grip his heart. How was that possible? He guessed most of it had been gained the week he was out on the IV.

Splinter told him that he was doing great and just not to worry. Raph tried but those numbers kept rolling around in his head.

By Christmas eve Raph was a mental mess again. He knew he had to have gained weight since Wednesday. He had been eating fairly well. The thought of it made him want to give up.

–

April and Casey brought down a tree for Christmas. They always bought the turtles some gifts for Christmas. Mikey, Don, and Leo laid the wrapped gifts under the tree. Raph had been so caught up in his own issues to think about Christmas gifts for his family. Another pang of guilt hit him.

Leo, Donnie, April, and Casey headed out of the lair. They were going to go to a movie. Splinter, Mikey and Raph had decided to stay home. Splinter had already turned in to bed early.

“Don't worry about it man,” Mikey said when he saw the look on his face. “I'm just happy we're all together for Christmas.

That statement didn't really cheer Raph up. It actually scared him. It made it very clear it him that Mikey and perhaps his other brothers thought he was going to die. Perhaps he still would. Would he ever be able to get back to 'healthy' weight or would this sickness control his mind for this rest of his life? Considering how long turtles can live that was a very scary thought.

“Are you alright?” Mikey questioned looking at his brother with a worried look.

Raph wanted to lie. He wanted to say that everything was fine. Yet, he knew it would be a bad idea. He knew lying wouldn't get him anywhere.

“No,” Raph said looking away. “I'm scared. I'm scared of this whole thing.”

Mikey moved to Raph's side and wrapped his arms around him. He knew his brother was feeling pain and he would give anything to make it go away.

“Can I help?” Mikey asked.

“Stay with me,” Raph said letting Mikey crush him in a tight hug. “Just be with me.”

  
  


 


	16. Chapter 16

  
  


When Raph awoke on Christmas morning he was determined to make it a good day. It was holiday about family and being with the ones you love. He pushed back his blankets and climbed out of bed. He could hear Mikey's excited voice.

“Get up!” Mikey yelled.

The red clad turtle laughed as he walked out of the bedroom. He was headed to the living room when he ran into Donnie.

“Hey,” Don said. “I have your gift in the shop.”

“Me?” Raph asked with a curious look.

He was surprsied his brother had something for him. How long had he been playing it?

“It's the project I've been working on,” Donnie admitted.

“Really?” Raph asked feeling very flattered. “That projects you've been working on for ages?”

“Yes,” he said. “I didn't want you to find out. I think you're going to love it. Want to check it out?”

“Sure,” the red clad turtle said.

The two of them walked into the shop. There was a tarp covered object in the middle of the room. Don walked over and pulled the tarp off. He revealed a new motorcycle. It was sleek, black, and fully loaded.

“Wow,” Raph said walking over to it.

“Built in GPS, cellphone, I rebuilt the engine, new tires that are slip resistant,” Don started running through the highlights of the new machine.

“These is your top secret project?” Raphael asked looking up at him.

“I'm sorry I had to hide it for long but I ran into some troubles with it,” the purple clad turtle explained.

“It's amazing,” Raph said looking up at his brother. “I love it. I can't wait until I'm feeling better.”

Raph surprised himself at the words that came out of his mouth. Did he actually want to get better now? For a second he saw through the fog and saw some hope.

“I sure hope you do get better,” Don said putting an arm around his shoulder. “I can't wait to take on the bad guys with you again.”

“Do I really look sick?” Raph asked after a moment of silence.

“Yea,” Don said. “You're so skinny. It really scares everyone.”

“I want to be healthy again,” he said. “I'm just a little scared of gaining weight again but I'll try.”

 

“That's all I can ask,” Don said smiling at his brother. “Don't forget that you have a family that cares for you. Let's join the others. I'm sure Mikey is driving everyone crazy.”

Raph nodded and followed his brother out of the shop.

–

For the first time in ages Raph was able to forget about his problems. His family was doing their best to make sure he felt comfortable and loved. He noticed Casey still seemed a little uneasy around him. Raph couldn't figure out why.

Once they were done opening gifts Raph pulled Casey aside.

“Can I talk to you?” Raph questioned.

“Sure,” Casey said in an willing voice.

Casey followed the turtle into his room. Raph sat down on the edge of his bed.

“What's going on Raph?” Casey questioned sitting down next to him.

“You tell me,” the turtle said. “You've been avoiding me since all this started.”

“I'm sorry,” the man said looking away from his friend. “This whole thing has been hard on me.”

Raph noticed Casey frown and shake his head. It was almost as if he was trying to forget something.

“Casey,” he said. “Tell me. You've got something on your mind.”

“My sister had the same problem as you,” the man admitted.

“Oh,” the turtle said nodding. “I guess that brought up stuff.”

“Yes,” he said nodding.

“Is she alright now?” Raph asked.

Casey put his head in his head and shook his head. The turtle looked on at his friend in shock. Casey had lost a sister to an eating disorder. He couldn't believe that. He had to be lying. That cound't be true.

“She was sixteen,” Casey said. “She had a heart attack. She was in the hopstial for ages but she didn't make it.”

“I'm sorry,” Raph said.

Guilt hit him hard. He was so angry at himself for causing Casey so much pain.

“It isn't your faught,” he said looking up. “I just...I just can't help getting upset. You're doing way better than she did. You're doing good Raph.”

Raph didn't know what to say. He just felt lost. He wanted to comfort his friend but he didn't know how.

“Come on,” he said standing up. “No more sadness today. It's Christmas.”

Casey couldn't help but feel better. He was glad to get his feelings off his chest. Raph quickly followed his friend out of his room.

 


	17. Chapter 17

For the first time Raph did want to get better. He wanted to survive. Casey's story scared him. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to leave his family. Death seemed all too possible.

He wanted to ride his new bike. He wanted to train with his brothers. He wanted to go out into the city and fight evil. Of course he knew that would require some serious weight gain.

Even though he had only gained fifteen pounds it felt like fifty. He felt heavy and slow. Whenever he glanced himself in a mirror he felt disgust. He could see the difference in his body as he ate. He could see every pound as it was put on. At least he thought he could. Maybe he was just losing his mind.

He did everything he could to avoid looking at himself. He re-covered the mirror in his bedroom. He brushed his teeth as fast as he could. If he caught sight of his reflection in cups, glasses, or soda bottles he would turn the object or sit in a different way. He couldn't stand seeing the slightest reflection.

Splinter could see his son was eating. Raphael was eating whatever was put in front of him, he threw up less and less, and he was gaining weight. Yet, he seemed his mental state was getting worse. His son often looked at his feet and hands. He seemed to want to hide from the world. He seemed to hate himself more with each pound gained. That worried him.

He also knew his son was getting anxious about sitting inside the lair all night and day. He knew he needed to get out. It wasn't healthy for him to never see the outside. He decided to ease up on him a bit.

He found Raph and Mikey sitting on the couch playing video games.

“Raphael if you wish you may go out tonight,” Splinter explained.

“Really?” he asked nearly dropping his controller. “Awesome but...what's the catch?”

“Pizza and potato chips for dinner,” his father explained. “Two slices of pizza and at least a snack bag of chips.”

Raphael frowned pausing his game. He knew it was a good trade. He hadn't had a night out on the town in ages.

“Fine,” he finally said unpausing his game.

Splinter smiled and walked away. He hoped that letting Raphael out would help him feel better.

–

Raphael decided it would have a night out with Don. He owed Don a lot. He felt the urge to thank him over and over. He was lucky that his brother had medical and scienctific knowledge. Things could have turned out very different for him if he didn't. No doubt he would be dead. He would get through dinner and then he would ask Don to join him.

Dinner. Raphael dreaded the thought of eating what he had agreed to but he didn't have a choice. Raph walked into the kitchen. Mikey, Don, and Leo were already at the table. Raph noticed a plate was already set for him. Two slices of pizza and a small bag of chips with a glass of water.

At least he was getting him get away with just drinking water.

The turtle tried to hold onto that comforting thought as he sat down at the table. He decided it would best to get the chips out of the way. He tried to focus on getting them down as fast as possible.

Don frowned when he saw him shoving the food in. That meant one of two things; Raph was starving or he was just trying to get eating over with. Either way it wasn't a good thing. Eating like that could make him very sick.

“Hey,” Don said. “Any plan for tonight Raph?”

“Oh,” Raph said lowing his hand that was full of chips. “Splinter gave me the go ahead to hit the town tonight. I was actually wondering if you wanted to join me.”

That surprised Don. Raph was always the loner. Why did he want to take him along? Did Splinter say that he had to take someone with him?

“Sure,” Don said nodding. “I'm glad you're eating but you really need to slow down. It's going to hurt your stomach.”

Leo looked at Don with a surprised look. They had all decided not to point out Raph's eating habits. Raph didn't seem to mind though. He just shrugged and slowed his eating. Raph didn't want to admit it but Donnie was right. The force of the food hitting his stomach did hurt it. It made the urge to purge very intense.

He sat the empty bag of chips down on the table and drank some of the water. He frowned when he looked at the pizza. He still had to eat those two slice and his stomach was killing him. His brothers could sense his anxiety.

“So what are you and Donnie going to get up to?” Mikey questioned.

“Don't know,” Raph said taking a deep breath. “I love the city this time of year. All the snow. It's really...nice looking.”

It was the truth. Raph loved New York in the winter. He loved the city lights reflecting off the snow. It was so mesmerizing.

“I love it too,” Mikey said. “Central Park is amazing.”

Raph nodded. He picked up a slice of pizza and started eating. Maybe they would hit Central Park. Even though he was never able to find a pair of ice skates in his size he had learned how to skate on his bare feet. Of course he didn't think he had ever showed his brothers he knew how. He figured they would make fun of him. After all wasn't ice skating a girl thing?

He was so caught up in his thought he didn't realize he had eaten most of his food. He smiled and attacked his last slice of pizza. He was almost there.

When he was done with that slice he drank down the rest of his water and stood up.

“I'm going to go find some of our winter clothes,” Raph said jumping up from the table.

“Good save there,” Leo said looking at Mikey. “You really got him through that.”

“Thanks,” Mikey said smiling.

It wasn't often that Mikey got something right so he had ever right to proud when he did.

 

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

As soon as Raph was inside his room he shut the door. He looked around for something to spit his food out into. He found a box of tissues half hidden under his bed. He pulled open one of the soft white pieces of paper before spitting a mouthful of food into it.

He knew he was cheating but he just couldn't handle it. He had hid most of the pizza in his cheeks. He had swallowed a little when he drank the water but not a lot.

Raph balled up the tissue and threw it into his waste basket. Guilt hit him hard but he knew there was no going back.

He opened his closet door located his jacket and scarf. He knew if he was warmer he would burn less calories. He really didn't want to lose weight. That would be a fast way to get into trouble. There was no way Splinter would never let him out again if he lost weight.

He went out to find Don standing in the living room with a simple scarf on. The purple clad turtle always had an easier time with the cold.

“Ready?” Don questioned.

“Yep,” Raph answered before they headed out of the sewer.

-

Don was running ahead of him along the roof tops. Raph was struggling to keep up with him.

Raph had insisted they start there. He was sure he was ready. Don had frowned but went along with anyway. He wanted to call out and ask him to slow down but his pride wouldn't allow it. He should be faster. He was the lightest. That had to mean he was the fastest but sadly it didn't. His weight loss had only hurt his speed and ninja skills.

Finally Donnie noticed he was leaving his brother in the dust. He stopped at a roof edge and waited for the red clad turtle to catch up.

“Need a break,” Donnie said sitting down.

“Yea,” Raph said in a tired voice.

He knew Don was lying. There was no way he was tired. Raph sat down across from him. The two of them sat in silence for the longest time. After a few minutes Raph realized it was snowing. Small flakes were coming down and landing on his face. He smiled looking up at the clouds.

“How you feeling?” Donnie questioned.

“Fine,” Raph lied.

He wasn't doing fine. His knee, feet, and even his jaw hurt. He was so tired and his heart was racing. He just wanted to curl up and go to sleep.

“Don't lie Raph,” the purple clad turtle. “I can tell you aren't doing good.”

“I'm fine!” Raph snapped standing up.

“No need to get snappy,” Don said in a defensive voice. “I just don't want you to over do yourself.”

“I'm grateful for your help Donnie,” Raph said trying to calm down. “I think you....I think you saved my life when I collapsed but I'm better now. I can take care of myself.”

“You're still sick,” Don urged. “Look at you. You can barley stand right now.”

Raph knew he was right but he hated admitting it. He hated to admit he was weak. He sighed and sat back down.

“I'm sorry for seeming like an asshole,” Donnie said. “The fact of the matter is I know better than you right now. This is a science matter; my department. I know your body is really messed up.”

The red clad turtle sat in silence as the snow fell around him. Don felt his heart strings being pulled. His brother looked so helpless. It reminded him of a time when they were little ones. Raph had gotten in trouble for breaking one of Sensi's tea cups. He had looked so guitly and helpless. It had been years since Don had thought of that night.

Raph suddenly felt the need to throw up. He wrapped his arms around his stomach and lunged forward. Don took a step back as he watched Raph spill his dinner out onto the roof top.

When he was done he took a few deep breaths and closed his eyes.

“I didn't mean to do that,” Raph said.

He was telling the truth. He had never thrown up like that before. He had always had to use his fingers before.

“I know,” Don said walking over to him. “I can tell that. I think you're just stressed out. Come on. You wanted to go to Central park didn't you?”

“Are you going to tell Splinter?” Raph asked looking at his hands.

“No,” Don said. “You're under a lot of stress right now. You didn't want that to happen.”

“Thanks,” Raph said. “I'm up for a walk in Central Park.”

Slowly the turtles walked off into the snow filled night.

–

Due to the cold and the snow there weren't many people out in Central Park. Don and Raph kept to the shadows and fell silence and still when ever anyone came near.

Walking in the park was a little easier for Raph. It had been dumb for him to jump along the roof tops. That took too much energy.

“Can I ask a question?” Don asked.

“You just did,” Raph said with a small laugh.

“You know what I mean,” Donnie said. “I guess...do you think you'd have this problem if Leo hadn't left?”

Raphael looked at his brother with a surprised look. Was he trying to blame Leo for his problem?

“Leo?” the red clad turtle questioned. “I don't think so. I mean this isn't Leo's faught.”

“I didn't mean that-,” Don started.

Don's words were cut short when he noticed a woman and man fighting a few feet ahead of them.

“Get your damn hands off me,” the woman shouted.

“You do as I say,” he shouted yanking hard on her arm. “We'll deal with this when we get home.”

The woman began to cry heavily and pulled back.

“No!” she said. “I'm leaving. I'm going to my mother's.”

Don could tell true rage was boiling in that man. He decided his conversation would have to wait. He nudged Raph and drew his attention towards the couple.

“I guess we have work to do,” Raph said lunging forward.

Nothing like that fighting crime to lift their spirit.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
